No Deposit Car
it HERE) and Pete the Paranoid Parrot
I rescued Pete the
Parrot from the local animal shelter. He was brought into the
facility because his previous owner said he was going to kill
Pete if someone didnít take him. I assumed the man was just a
wacko, so I took Pete home and tried to make him a part of the
family. It didnít turn out as I planned.
Pete is the most paranoid $&%@# parrot in the world. Just look
at him funny and he poops in his cage. Seriously, if you turn
your head and look at him, heíll *&^@% poop! Just by looking at
him! I donít know how the previous owner didnít strangle Peteís
puny little paranoid neck. If you try talking to him, heíll pass
out. You know, fall over unconscious. Just pass out - because
you TALKED to him!
I have to go to work each day because I sell no deposit car
insurance. I like selling no deposit car insurance, but when I
leave the house in the morning, Pete gets so worked up, I Ďm
afraid heís going to have a heart attack or something. I took
him to the vet one time, but Pete just passed out and the Dr.
said I should just put him out of his misery. He said he would
do it for $100. Are you kidding me? Do you think Iím going to
spend any money to put Pete down? Iíd miss the pleasure of doing
I donít really want to kill Pete. I didnít adopt him so I could
kill him. I thought it would be fun to have a parrot in the
house. I imagined I would teach him to say things and to squawk
when I walked into the room or something. I thought we would
become pals. Nope, heís a blithering idiot whoís scared of his
own shadow. I canít even touch him, let alone teach him to walk
on a wire, or something.
As you can imagine, selling no deposit car insurance for a
living can be tough. If someone already has a no deposit car
insurance policy, they wonít buy another. Thatís ok, thereís
plenty of drivers around that need my help. To be honest, itís
been hard recently to give my all at the job. Stupid Pete is in
the back of my mind 24 hours a day. Will he die today? Should I
kill him myself today? All these really bad thoughts just spin
in my brain nonstop. I think Iíd better kill him tonight.
I decided I was going to poison olí Pete at dinner while he was
busy pooping and passing out from my arrival. The only drugs I
had were some old Valium. I crushed them up and put them in
Peteís bowl. Pete ate it right away and was instantly
transformed into a normal, talented Parrot. I taught him the
entire English language in just under a week. He takes 2 Valium
each night now.
Accidents in the Middle Ages